Sunday, April 4, 2010

Lie #1: I am at peace with myself....

Ever since I was a young child, I was taught that it was bad to lie and yet I find that I have been lying my entire life. Not that, "I didn't hit my sister", when indeed I had, type of lie. But rather, the "I feel fine", when I feel like shit, type of lie. Why do I do it, I don't know. Perhaps if I could be honest with myself, I'd understand better. Perhaps if I could muster up the courage and get myself into therapy for more then a month jaunt at a time, I could start to uncover the reasons behind a lifetime of lying to myself and to others.

In any case, I suppose everyone is a liar, but they don't really know it. I have come to accept it as a reality in my life. Not that I see myself as a villain in my actions, but rather I've come to accept that sometimes the truth is too hard to manage at times. Sometimes the truth can hurt too much to say out loud.

One might ask, then why should we believe that I am telling the truth now then? Because for the first time in my life, I've found the ability and the strength to be honest with myself .For the first time I have the courage to believe that living in an honest state of chaos instead of succumbing to what society has taught me to be or to want to be, is more important to me than living in the lies of my own cowardice.

It is Easter Sunday, for some people, the celebration of new life, if you're the religious type. Perhaps you'd think that that is why I choose this day to begin this blog. I could lie and say that it is, but rather it's the inspiration of a dear friend, who renewed the spirit of the writer in me. So I end this day with a vow to myself... to live each day to the fullest, to not hold back anymore from the past that has been pulling me down my entire life. To quit lying to myself and purge it all in order to do so. My hope is by writing this down I can finally put it all to rest, reflect on the lessons I learned from the lies, bury them in the past and begin a life worth living with honest emotion and honest convictions. Once again, I wonder, am I lying by thinking this is possible...I guess I'll find out.

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