Sunday, June 27, 2010
Lie #9: I'll love you forever....
Her dress was sheer perfection in her eyes... the Cinderella dress she had always in-visioned wearing on this most special day. Josie peered into the floor length mirror and smiled as she took in her reflection and how beautiful she felt.
Today I started filling out my divorce papers. Sadly the fairytale was but a fairytale in the end. And yet as I gaze upon the photograph of this young bride I still smile remembering how beautiful I felt that day, how absolutely in love I was and how happy I was to be getting married. Never again will I wear a dress so decadent, so innocently grand and pure at the same time. By no means was the white a symbol of my physical purity, but more so the innocence and purity of my yet to be broken heart.
I suppose I am lucky that I go into this separation and divorce preceding with hours of silent deliberation to where I am at the point that I know in my heart that this is but a close of a chapter in my life and I look forward to finding the woman that I dream t I would be, but never became. I can move forward with out animosity in my heart, and with excitement of what the future holds. I am reminded of this young girls dreams, while remaining grounded in my experience to allow myself to dream and grow in realistic measures...
Oh dear sweet girl, I would like to tell my former self, "you are worthy of love simply because you are..."
For months I grappled with the fact that at the time I meant every word of my marriage vows, the all encompassing, "I'll love you forever..."and yet here I am, hashing out the details of cutting ties with my husband of 13 years... and surprisingly, I am finding immense joy and peace in the process... for I know I did everything in my power to try and make my marriage work. In the midst of illness and depression, addiction and emotional instability, I stayed loyal to this man in giving every ounce of myself to better our relationship the best I knew how.
Now I realize that while I "loved" him the best I could, I did not love myself... respect myself... and today I celebrate the beauty of my wedding day and look upon the photograph of my former self and truly feel as light and pure and airy as the dress I wore that day. I'm thinking of pulling it out and perhaps wearing it for shits and giggles, if the damn thing fits... surprisingly, I think it just might... it's amazing how you can shed the pounds with a diet of stress....stress... and more stress...
So if you see a crazy Korean lady in a wedding dress at the Piggly Wiggly, behold.... it's just little 'ol me!