Her dress was sheer perfection in her eyes... the Cinderella dress she had always in-visioned wearing on this most special day. Josie peered into the floor length mirror and smiled as she took in her reflection and how beautiful she felt.
*
Today I started filling out my divorce papers. Sadly the fairytale was but a fairytale in the end. And yet as I gaze upon the photograph of this young bride I still smile remembering how beautiful I felt that day, how absolutely in love I was and how happy I was to be getting married. Never again will I wear a dress so decadent, so innocently grand and pure at the same time. By no means was the white a symbol of my physical purity, but more so the innocence and purity of my yet to be broken heart.
I suppose I am lucky that I go into this separation and divorce preceding with hours of silent deliberation to where I am at the point that I know in my heart that this is but a close of a chapter in my life and I look forward to finding the woman that I dream t I would be, but never became. I can move forward with out animosity in my heart, and with excitement of what the future holds. I am reminded of this young girls dreams, while remaining grounded in my experience to allow myself to dream and grow in realistic measures...
Oh dear sweet girl, I would like to tell my former self, "you are worthy of love simply because you are..."
For months I grappled with the fact that at the time I meant every word of my marriage vows, the all encompassing, "I'll love you forever..."and yet here I am, hashing out the details of cutting ties with my husband of 13 years... and surprisingly, I am finding immense joy and peace in the process... for I know I did everything in my power to try and make my marriage work. In the midst of illness and depression, addiction and emotional instability, I stayed loyal to this man in giving every ounce of myself to better our relationship the best I knew how.
Now I realize that while I "loved" him the best I could, I did not love myself... respect myself... and today I celebrate the beauty of my wedding day and look upon the photograph of my former self and truly feel as light and pure and airy as the dress I wore that day. I'm thinking of pulling it out and perhaps wearing it for shits and giggles, if the damn thing fits... surprisingly, I think it just might... it's amazing how you can shed the pounds with a diet of stress....stress... and more stress...
So if you see a crazy Korean lady in a wedding dress at the Piggly Wiggly, behold.... it's just little 'ol me!
Cheap girly wine was her drink of choice. Sometime vodka....always rum, but these days it was the sweet fizzy taste of Arbor Mist Blackberry Merlot that made her giggly and inhibited. Josie had not been much of a drinker in the last ten years since the birth of her first child, but had recently taken it back up when social occasions arose. At first it was a single glass of wine, sitting at the kitchen table with a girlfriend while discussing personal secrets and enlightening aspects of her life as she began one of many wonderful and close friendships. It was not that she had anything against drinking...infact in her wild youth she had spent many a night drinking cheap beer till dawn with her college friends. But experience had taught her that she was useless for many days post party if she partook of too much and experience had taught her that while it felt great at the time, she had a tendency to be too inhibited and too carefree when lubricated with liquer of any time.
Why did I do it? Maybe because I am newly single and haven't been laid in six months and am a ball full of hormones... can I blame it on the wine? The party atmosphere? The twenty-two year old boy that dared me to? It was just a kiss... simple, sweet, almost child-like... that is until his tongue darted into my mouth. It is hazy at best, but I did realize it was happening when it happened and enjoyed it the best I could in the moment. Yet the next morning I felt a weight of guilt I hadn't anticipated as I waited for a friend to come pick me up to go retrieve my car from the night before. Luckily I have great friends that made sure that I had a safe ride home in my exuberant condition....
Fact: I was separated from my husband...six months now with plans of divorce.
Fact: Its not like I had planned to kiss this boy... it just happened in the moment.
Fact: I am old enough to be this boy's mother had I gotten pregnant in high school.
Fact: I will have to see this boy every time I go to my best friend's house as he lives with her family in the summer when he is home from college.
Fact: I feel like a dork.
Fact: I know people are going to give me shit about it for years to come.
Fact: I'm ashamed that I acted like a silly 22 year old girl when I am almost 40.
Fact: For a moment I felt like a silly 22 year old girl.
Fact: I'm sure it won't be the last time I do something foolish...however, I will try and be more cautious of the embarrassing consequences next time...
Fact: I must not drink liquer and wine on the same night...I am not the party girl of my youth anymore.
*apologies to anyone I might know that is reading this and thinking, oh... this is to much information for me to know... this might be a good time to un-follow my blog... no hurt feeling here... I feel as if the truth of my life might be a bit rough from here on, thus the adult content warning... nothing smutty, well maybe a little... so beware... I warned you!
Her dress was sheer perfection in her eyes... the Cinderella dress she had always in-visioned wearing on this most special day. Josie peered into the floor length mirror and smiled as she took in her reflection and how beautiful she felt.